Reflections on Church

It is difficult for me to describe what is was like going back after so many years. The ward is smaller that it was. There were 70 there for Sacrament instead of the 100 to 120 that there was before. A number of families have moved out. There are quite a few new faces and there are the old ones too.

It was Fast and Testimony meeting, the 1st Sunday of the month, and about 14 people bore their testimonies. I did get up and bore mine. I did say that I wasn't away because I was mad. I was away because I believed it was the best thing for me. I said it was like being in a quire. If I sing in a quire I will blend with the others. There voices and mind become one. I needed to be away to stand on my own. To have the gospel come from my heart, mind and thoughts. Not be a reflection of the other members and what I was hearing every Sunday. I said some other things, it wasn't really long but it was from the heart.

When I was on my own I kind of relearned the gospel. Because of the way my health was and sometimes is, I can't rely on my memory. It is hard to remember things. So I would discuss things with Father in Heaven and with the help to the spirit, I would go over different subjects. It would come from my heart, from how I really felt, not from memory and what I had been told. It was more a part of who I have become then a reflection of my Mormon culture. Sometimes we would go over things again and again. Not remembering that I have talked to Father months or years before about it. When I first realized this I asked, what good is it if I can't remember it. I was told that it didn't mater that I couldn't remember. That it came from my heart and the way I think about things. It was from who I was not what I could remember. It was a part of me.

So what do this have to do with yesterday. Well, as I sat in Sunday School it was strange. It was different that before. They seem to miss the heart of the lesson. But I realized they hadn't changed, it was me. Maybe a bit like going back to grade school. You know the material but you have grown up and look at it differently.

I seem to see things as my relationship with Father in Heaven and me, and the Church is the tools and the support group to help develop that relationship. It helps us become more like Him and Jesus Christ. They seem to see the tools and the Church as the gospel. Like living these things, living in this was is the point of mortality. I think that living the gospel helps us become an adult, so that Father doesn't have to tell us how to behave. We become an adult, someone pure of heart that loves and does what is best for others not what we want for ourselves.

This hard to get my mind around. I know that I have somehow learned to love (more) unconditionally. That when I have a problem I go to Father and talk with Him. I don't run to the Bishop or someone to tell me what I should do. Somehow Father makes things simple and I know what is best to do. I really don't know how to describe it, so I will stop now.

The Bishop was out of town and and it took him 1 hour and seven minutes to find out I went to church and call me. He was really surprised and we had a good conversation.

I am glad that I am back to church. I makes me happy to be there. And I can see opportunities to help others, to do some good in the world. I am a better person that I was seven years ago.